Fighting Two Wars

I’m at the beach. Courtesy of some loving family members.

I always seem to whip up a particularly introspective blog post while I’m at the beach. It feels like the beach trips I’ve been blessed to go on are like the final pages of a chapter in life. It feels like the conclusion of a time in life and the beginning of a new time in life.

And changes are on the way, believe me.

With so much time on my hands these past five months, I’ve spent many, many days and nights wondering what the near future will hold. I tell you, it’s pretty hard having so much time to spend thinking.

I’ve been fighting two wars for the past five months, each with their own front – the war against cancer and the war against my own doubt because of my uncertainty of so many things in my life. I seem to have always been fighting the latter fight, but with having so much time on my hands due to the war on cancer, the latter fight has intensified immensely this year.

I often consider the ever-nearing interactions with certain individuals in my life, how those interactions will go, how I’d like them to go, the prospects of going back to work after five months of lounging whether undergoing chemotherapy or not, the hopes of buying a car, the thrill of finally owning a car, the marriage of my little sister to a since-childhood friend of mine, all the times throughout the years with my little sister, the end of the era of my little sister’s singleness, the great unknown answers of all the secrets I wish I knew the answers to slowly creeping up on me, and the totally unexpected things in life to arise on a whim.

God is moving the pieces and we’ll see how things shape up in this great puzzle. But part of what makes it all so beautiful is that I don’t know even a quarter of the answers. If I knew all the answers, I wouldn’t need faith.

And seeing how short this life is, faith is far more beautiful a thing to have than the answers to some questions in a life that will be so small in the grand, grand scheme of all time.